The Gift

The Gift

Driving for home, it is late and I am tired.  My heart begins to vibrate.  I am getting close to that place where my understanding shifts.  I can feel myself slipping into "Elsewhere".

What's this?  The headlights illuminate a large bird lying in the road.  Her wing points straight up at the moon, signaling like a flag. 

"Could the wind move her wing that way? I ask myself. 

The answer comes back, "No way."

I turn my truck around.

She is unconscious.

I pick her up and weigh the situation.  She's about the size of a cat.  Hollow bones and powder-soft feathers make her look big, but she is very light.  Nothing appears to be broken, however, she is not out of the woods yet.   Intent on seeing her in more light, I gently set her through the broken window of my camper top. 

Since owls are the familiar of the goddess, Lilith, I call her by that name.  My dog, Jake, welcomes us home with his usual song and dance.  The bird is still knocked out as far as I can tell.  I don't give picking her up a second thought.  Halfway to the house, Jake's routine barking spurs Lilith to heroic effort.  An armful of wild-eyed raptor wakes up.

Intuition becomes a tumultuous, heart-pounding intensity for me as surge of adrenaline shoots up my spine and detonates my focus.  Fragmented and paralyzed, I am suspended between all I know about birds and all I don't know about owls.  Is this one strong enough to put up a fight?  Am I her most immediate obstacle? Should I let her go?

Naturally, Jake jockeys for an opportunity to handle my problem for me.  I know that the bird's beak is made for tearing flesh and that she's got his own set of daggers on the ends of her toes, but I can't let her go in the middle of the lawn with a monster frothing to meet her!

Amidst the cacophony of mental and physical noise, my spirit begins to rise.  I'm the best chance Lilith has.  I have more than fear to share with her.  I venture to lead both the supernatural being in my arms and the hellion at my feet simultaneously.

A calm, gentle voice entices Jake to fall quietly in step behind me.    For the bird, I make myself aware of all the things that are not happening.  Then I show her how I want her to be with me ... by being that for her.

Lilith responds by hiding in my arms.  Clearly, she is frightened, but she is not looking to make a getaway.  Her tenderness buoys me up.  I gently press her close to my chest to comfort and contain her.  Time expands again.  We relax.

Inside a safe space, I become a steady perch.  It's a barred owl sitting on my wrist.  I support my elbows on the floor.  She presents her back to me.  Again, her demeanor is way beyond my experience.  No parrot I know would be so brave.  I marvel at her.

I think of my own birds. They are keenly aware that they are prey animals.  Paradoxically, within the flock, their social status is determined by how well they can dominate a conversation.  This owl, on the other hand, is a predator and a loner.   What kind of social skills does she use?  Will Lilith show me the truth about how she feels?  Will she try to hide her weakness?  Will she bite me in an attempt to let me know who is boss?  Come what may, I'm looking to find out.

I walk my talk for her by keeping my face very close to her head while we sit together.  Outwardly, my proximity reinforces a very strong message about our mutual trustworthiness and intimacy.  Inwardly, I watch the way she holds her body, the condition of her feathers, and the shape of her eyes to gauge how badly she is hurt.

Does she feel threatened?  Am I too close?  Should I avoid looking directly into her eyes?   I have a lot of questions for her.  Judging by the grip she has on my wrist, she has a few for me too.

I doubt that she is as calm as she appears to be.  I reach that conclusion just as her talons dig in.  Her head begins turning my way.  She's bracing herself for what she is about to see.  She's turning around.  She's turning around!  I'm eye to eye with a barred owl for the first time!

I slip into sync with her.  I want this to go well.  Maybe she'll follow like a parrot does, I don't know.  Since I'm the first human she's met, how in the world am I going to show her my intentions instantly without explanation?  We have no time for translation.  I'm asking Lilith to agree to what I’m asking him without question.  Will it work?

I become totally yin to reach her and close my eyes.  This makes me completely vulnerable.  My heart pounds loudly in my ears.

Sitting in her presence this way internalizes my struggle.  A new adrenaline rush ignites my heart.  I've never felt so engulfed in flames without trying to escape.  I use my mind to direct my chi back down into my dantien and turn my fear to smouldering embers.

The sudden release of  tension catapults me into a state of heightened awareness.  I hold all of my diametrically opposed emotions in limbo and free the energy.

This is the moment I've waited for all my life.

I feel a rush of unconditional love.

Intensity and detachment strike a balance, the gates between us crumble.

It's the most incredible feeling I've ever felt.

We are one!

I open my eyes and almost burst out laughing.  My owl’s reply is impeccable.  Her soft response is unmistakable.  Her eyes are closed too!

The thrill is sublime.  I feel electric!  I've just made a heart connection with a wild bird! More than simultaneous surrender, I catch a glimpse of the infinite transcending even species.

For a moment, I am a shaman crossing the valley of death meeting my totem animal--one pure spirit wearing two masks.  I share my beauty and vibrant strength with her.  She takes it!   She gives it!   The energy moves between us.

My heart pounds through my chest as if I am empty, but I have never felt so full.  Nothing could prepare me for the euphoria of it.  Complexity melts into simplicity.  Timelessness blankets us.

I watch that single moment expand until all the moments of my life line up behind it making sense in a new way.

My wrist pulses with pain. I am acutely aware that asking my owl to shift her weight will end our love affair, but it’s necessary. The pressure of her razor sharp claws marks my skin. I hold my breath and try to simply reposition her. Lilith lets me know my compassion may be weightless, but my willpower isn't.  Heaven fades as Timelessness melts back into linear time.

Exerting even the slightest force brings out her wild nature. She takes his cue, leaps out of my hands, falls into the corner, flaps against the wall, and loses a few feathers.

I scrutinize her body and watch her wings work. She’s breathing well. No broken bones, no blood, bright eyes.  I'm certain this owl hit a car while she was flying, not the other way around.

Scooping her up again in my arms, I walk out into the moonlight. Somewhere between boldness and reckless abandon, I take a final liberty and kiss her wild, symbolic wings.

I can feel the electricity in my fingertips. I can feel it in the wind moving my hair. I am much bigger now than I could ever be by myself. A deep sense of gratitude enfolds me for all the perfect synchronicity that has already occurred throughout time to allow this miracle this to happen.

Lilith slips back into the dark.

All summer long I listen to a barred owl in the woods behind my house. Low and sweet, she calls, reminding me how to surrender. I am listening with every nerve, every pore to a language I have always wanted to hear. What she taught me in a few moments, I will never forget.

Native Americans put feathers in their hair as a sign of their brave deeds. On special occasions, I wear the ones that barred owl gave me. They dangle from my ear on a tiny chain. They may look like feathers, but they feel like wings in my heart. Those feathers remind me how I can affect the world.  In a moment of grace, I saw it for myself on many levels.  What gift could be more precious?  The one I give or the one I take?  Now, I see, they are both are the same.

"A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses."
~ Chinese proverb